Thursday, October 15, 2015
Damaged Goods
Handle me with care. I still am not whole. I love you very much though Katie. I'm sorry that I didn't say what I should have today right at the start. It really sucks how just that one slip up from me causes you to say what you say, which just throws me all of the way back. And now I am here, depressed, and just feeling broken. I hate me. I hate who I am. I want things to be better. I'm sorry I fucked up today. Koishiteru Katie
Friday, May 2, 2014
1.0.1.0
I can't sleep. I can't sleep at all. I am a bit stressed, but calming down quite nicely. Happier times, perfect times are playing through my head. Hypothetical futures of joy that I know we can have. But I can't dwell on those thoughts, not right now at least.
Earlier I wrote my personal philosophy, which I am still doing my best to adhere to, but I never gave myself any goals with those. Normally don't set long term goals, and I don't really get to follow up all of the way on any goals I do end up setting for myself. So here's to a bit of practice. We jokingly made that summer start was a deadline for something, but I am actually going to use it. So here are some daily goals, as well as long term goals to reach before June 20, 2014
Daily Goals
1. Write down one thing that made me smile on the note thingy (2 min)
2. Have a meaningful conversation with Katie (45 min)
3. Make her know that you love her (30 min)
4. Don't drink any soda (0 min)
5. Go to the gym/ walk chibi/ do some form of exercise for 30 min (90 min)
6. Reflect on your personal philosophy (20 min)
7. Write a blog entry. (20 min)
I wrote the number of minutes to denote, most likely, the maximum amount of time devoted to each daily activity. Totaling that up, excluding the gym part, it comes out to about 2 hours. Why did I exclude the gym? I don't know why either. Mostly I was trying to show myself that these don't take a lot of time to do, and these little things every day will help with my longer term goals
Due Date: June 20th, 2014
1. Be a loving, caring, supportive boyfriend actively, not re-actively
2. Cut down snapping and flash anger issues to zero
3. Katie must radiate my love for her
4. Be fit, drop down this stomach
5. Have my life prioritized
6. Have confidence in myself to be as awesome as I can be
Those are my goals. I will reach them, and I have a little more than a month and a half to do it. Seems doable to me. I want to have my happiness come from within, so I can help by giving it to you. I love you so much Katie. Koishiteru!
Earlier I wrote my personal philosophy, which I am still doing my best to adhere to, but I never gave myself any goals with those. Normally don't set long term goals, and I don't really get to follow up all of the way on any goals I do end up setting for myself. So here's to a bit of practice. We jokingly made that summer start was a deadline for something, but I am actually going to use it. So here are some daily goals, as well as long term goals to reach before June 20, 2014
Daily Goals
1. Write down one thing that made me smile on the note thingy (2 min)
2. Have a meaningful conversation with Katie (45 min)
3. Make her know that you love her (30 min)
4. Don't drink any soda (0 min)
5. Go to the gym/ walk chibi/ do some form of exercise for 30 min (90 min)
6. Reflect on your personal philosophy (20 min)
7. Write a blog entry. (20 min)
I wrote the number of minutes to denote, most likely, the maximum amount of time devoted to each daily activity. Totaling that up, excluding the gym part, it comes out to about 2 hours. Why did I exclude the gym? I don't know why either. Mostly I was trying to show myself that these don't take a lot of time to do, and these little things every day will help with my longer term goals
Due Date: June 20th, 2014
1. Be a loving, caring, supportive boyfriend actively, not re-actively
2. Cut down snapping and flash anger issues to zero
3. Katie must radiate my love for her
4. Be fit, drop down this stomach
5. Have my life prioritized
6. Have confidence in myself to be as awesome as I can be
Those are my goals. I will reach them, and I have a little more than a month and a half to do it. Seems doable to me. I want to have my happiness come from within, so I can help by giving it to you. I love you so much Katie. Koishiteru!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
1.1.0.0
Hey Love,
So I was thinking about why I do certain things, impulsively or otherwise, and its just... I guess a measure of how I haven't grown up. I am still that really young kid inside, for better or worse.
When I was really young I got everything I wanted from my parents or grandparents. I was spoiled rotten. Time and experience has taught me a little bit, to think otherwise. But for the most part I am spoiled as shit. Not because I got everything I wanted, but how damn fast it was to get it. And there would be very little consequence of me getting it. I learned from a young age to take what I want, and not look back at what I really needed to do to EARN IT.
This has carried itself to my whole life. Not only in material things, but also the decisions I make everyday for the events and interactions. I often "overbook" myself, often times committing to several things that conflict, because it sounds fun to me, and then I realize much much later that I can't be in two places at once. It just doesn't come up, the consequences of my acceptance to said commitment.
This isn't an excuse as to why I am this way, nor is it a justification. It is simply me stating the problem, not the symptom, so maybe I can understand myself a little better. And how I can improve and ultimately get rid of it and become a real responsible young man.
Thank you for loving me even though I have this glaring flaw in me. I really appreciate your patience and understanding Katie. Thank you so much. It makes me so happy that I have touched your heart, and made such an impact on you, that you love me, all of me, the good and the bad. Your acceptance of me, and your love, is truly amazing. I really can't thank you enough.
Koishiteru Katie,
Kevin
So I was thinking about why I do certain things, impulsively or otherwise, and its just... I guess a measure of how I haven't grown up. I am still that really young kid inside, for better or worse.
When I was really young I got everything I wanted from my parents or grandparents. I was spoiled rotten. Time and experience has taught me a little bit, to think otherwise. But for the most part I am spoiled as shit. Not because I got everything I wanted, but how damn fast it was to get it. And there would be very little consequence of me getting it. I learned from a young age to take what I want, and not look back at what I really needed to do to EARN IT.
This has carried itself to my whole life. Not only in material things, but also the decisions I make everyday for the events and interactions. I often "overbook" myself, often times committing to several things that conflict, because it sounds fun to me, and then I realize much much later that I can't be in two places at once. It just doesn't come up, the consequences of my acceptance to said commitment.
This isn't an excuse as to why I am this way, nor is it a justification. It is simply me stating the problem, not the symptom, so maybe I can understand myself a little better. And how I can improve and ultimately get rid of it and become a real responsible young man.
Thank you for loving me even though I have this glaring flaw in me. I really appreciate your patience and understanding Katie. Thank you so much. It makes me so happy that I have touched your heart, and made such an impact on you, that you love me, all of me, the good and the bad. Your acceptance of me, and your love, is truly amazing. I really can't thank you enough.
Koishiteru Katie,
Kevin
Monday, April 14, 2014
1.0.0.0
To my love, my world, my Koishii, my dear Katie,
I am writing again. I am finding parts of my old self while reading and writing. Parts of me that were hidden away for so long, by fear, pride, and selfishness. Most of these will come off as ramblings, I apologize for that.
The aim of this is to say the things should be saying to you everyday. This is my first step. Again. I know its the nth "first step" but I'm hoping this will be the last first step. This will be a place where I check all of that at the door. Out with my pride, my fear, my selfishness. Here you will find me broken, bowed, humble and honest. Maybe here I can better convey some things that I struggle with in speech.
From my many philosophy readings and papers, I have compiled a sort of list of my own personal philosophy. This is something that my mom has urged me to do for some time, and I always thought it was silly and unnecessary, but now I see it is something I need to help ground myself for not only the struggles in life, but to help me get to the good parts, and everything in between. So, here's what I choose to live by.
The personal philosophy of Kevin Tadashi Koyanagi
I am writing again. I am finding parts of my old self while reading and writing. Parts of me that were hidden away for so long, by fear, pride, and selfishness. Most of these will come off as ramblings, I apologize for that.
The aim of this is to say the things should be saying to you everyday. This is my first step. Again. I know its the nth "first step" but I'm hoping this will be the last first step. This will be a place where I check all of that at the door. Out with my pride, my fear, my selfishness. Here you will find me broken, bowed, humble and honest. Maybe here I can better convey some things that I struggle with in speech.
From my many philosophy readings and papers, I have compiled a sort of list of my own personal philosophy. This is something that my mom has urged me to do for some time, and I always thought it was silly and unnecessary, but now I see it is something I need to help ground myself for not only the struggles in life, but to help me get to the good parts, and everything in between. So, here's what I choose to live by.
The personal philosophy of Kevin Tadashi Koyanagi
- Love those who deserve to be loved. Show them never-ending devotion and love. Make them know how powerful that love is. Show them everyday, they are what matter the most in this world. Trust them fully, for they love you, trust you, believe in you. Don't let them down, and show them that you trust them fully. Devote yourself fully to them.
- Carry yourself with your held held high. Do not be afraid of this world, for you have surrounded yourself with bright and shining individuals that will assist you when you need it.
- Actions carry infinitely more weight than words alone. Stay true to your word, but back it up and prove with overwhelming action
- Strive for greatness. Strive to be bigger, better, stronger everyday. Always move forward, never backwards. Do not settle for the things that slow you down, for they are petty and only material. Love is forever.
- Keep an open mind, you can be wrong too!
- Do not judge, especially those you love and love you back. Take value of their opinions, but do not be hurt, they are just trying to make you into the best person you can be
- Lead by example. You are a damn good leader, many people have told you this, show it!
- Cherish the little things she does. You love them, you know you do. Cherish the bigger things, cherish everything she does and is. She is the best thing in your life, and you know it!
- Be proud, but not prideful, arrogance just shoves the people you love away.
- Love yourself, the good and the bad. Its the only life you have, make the best of it, love yourself, you're kind of a cool guy :)
This is what I need to live my life by. Everyday. I just printed out this list and put it all around my house and in my phone. I am going to write about my feelings and I really want our relationship to be like, but that is for another time. This is the foundation that I need to live by, and I hope that this will radiate to all facets of my life. Above all, Katie, I love you to the bottom of my heart and soul. Don't forget it. I will make sure you never do.
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